sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
