If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
