between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
