Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
