I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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