whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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