call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You made out with two different species that night
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
