Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
