why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
