John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
