I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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