Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
