Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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