Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
