Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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