The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
cat food counts as protein by the way
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
