Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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