went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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