my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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