I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
