I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
