I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
