Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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