I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
