can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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