sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
why do cheetos always look like penises
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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