Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
