I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
