My hand turned me down
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
