I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
