somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Pooping to opera.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
