Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
