You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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