i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
