I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Randomize
