I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
3 2 1 whiskey
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
