Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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