I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
