he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
