If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
