The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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