Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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