Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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