found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
