i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
