You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
