i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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