Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
