my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
