I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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