do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
