I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
