Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
3pm strippers are depressing
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
