fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
