you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize