im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
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