just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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