What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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