Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I will be naked everywhere
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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